Trying to stay positive

Today is kind of a big deal. As I've mentioned my oldest son E-man has autism. This wasn't an easy road for us to begin but in the last year we have become quite positive and in a place of acceptance.
Then we got a big punch in the gut. My youngest, Little buddy is starting to show some autism signs as well. We started to notice little things here and there when he was 14 months old, but tried to explain it away or focus on the things he was doing well. So we were plugging away in our denial when I took him for his 15 month check up as part of an infant sibling study we are part of at the M.I.N.D. Institute at UC Davis when the punch came through. They noticed what we had been trying to deny. Not answering to his name, fixating on objects and not giving a whole lot of eye contact. They were helpful and referred us to a different study for early interventions. I took the information and tried to hold in the tears until I could make it to the car. I barely made it out of the building before I lost it.
This isn't supposed to happen, why us, what are we going to do, what will happen when we die? All of these things and more start welling up and I do my best to drive home the 1 hour and 20 minutes as safely as I can. This is the only time in my life that I have considered suicide. Just on that ride home I thought, wouldn't it be easier to not feel this or exist? The moment was fleeting because I realized I have to be strong for my boys and my husband. How could I expect them to persevere if I could not?
So I gathered myself and when I got home my husband and I commiserated. Can I just say THANK GOD I have a super supportive, smart and caring husband? Without him as my rock this road would be a whole lot bumpier.
So that brings us to today. I spoke on the phone with a doctor at the MIND and found out about a study for young kids who have some autism red flags. Basically they provide parent training to help deliver early interventions to the child before a diagnosis. They've had some success with the study so far and I thought we have nothing to lose, sign us up! As a requirement to be in the study they are having Little Buddy assessed one more time to confirm the earlier findings and place him in the study. So today is the second assessment.
I'm doing my best to be positive and this morning it's been hitting me a little hard. Is our future going to have 2 kids with autism? Learning to accept that will be difficult but I have hope for my boys and my family. That is the seed I will grow our happiness from, just gotta hang on to the hope.