Escape

A few nights ago we were hanging out after dinner with the kids. 
I went to use the restroom, Little Buddy got upset that I left and started crying. Martin was consoling him in the hallway when E-man quietly slipped out the front door and into the night.
I came out into the hallway and took LB, Martin went to the back of the house. I noticed I couldn't hear E-man at all. I scanned all the rooms and couldn't find him. Starting to get nervous I went back to the front room and noticed the front door open the tiniest bit.
My heart dropped, running for the door I opened it, he wasn't on the porch. I screamed his name.
I stepped back in the house yelled for Martin and not waiting for a response I left LB by himself in the living room and sprinted outside. My first thought was the park near our house, he knows the general direction and that was the most likely place he would go. I ran into the front yard and onto the sidewalk, in my peripheral vision I saw a blur of orange, I turned and there he was. E-man in his red Avengers t-shirt, dark blue pants, barefoot in the middle of the street a few houses down. It was almost like he had a spotlight on him from the street lamp nearby. He was laughing and looking at his shadow on the ground. I called for him and he looked up, smiling. I ran for him, as I ran to get him he started running towards me. I scooped him up whispering his name and thanking God he was ok. I carried him all the way home.
When I got in the door LB was crying, Martin was still in the back of the house. Shaking, I told him what had happened. 
The whole rest of the night I couldn't take my eyes off E-man, I kept hugging and kissing him. Trying to explain to him that he had to stay home where it was safe. He would smile at me, hugging me back. After both kids went to bed I had a complete meltdown. It felt as if the old wound was ripped open again. It feels like we get to a certain point with them and something new happens that kicks us to the ground. I felt helpless and alone.  I think I felt even worse about it because I have been keeping up with the news story of the 13 year old autistic boy in New York who walked out of school and has not been found for going on 7 weeks now. For some reason this story has haunted me. So when E-man slipped out fear enveloped me even after he was safe at home. That night I had to keep reminding myself that he was ok, sleeping peacefully in his bed. The what-ifs were plaguing my mind. What if he had gotten farther, what if a car hit him, what if he had drowned, what if he had been taken by someone? I couldn't stop the negative thoughts. It bubbled up and I just cried and cried, Martin holding and comforting me. I was so tired, I AM so tired of worrying.  
I guess the good news is that over the years enough scar tissue has built up that when something reminds us yet again in a big way that our lives are different, the recovery time is faster. Let yourself feel bad for a little while, pick yourself up and start troubleshooting. I realized after the commotion that I had forgotten to lock the front door when I got home with the kids that afternoon, so when E-man tried the door he was able to get out. Since LB was having a meltdown, Martin couldn't hear him leave and was obviously occupied. This led us to ordering some door alarms, so now we have the welcoming sounds of a convenience store. Whatever works, right?
Doing some research I found a really great website that provides a tool kit for help in preventing an autistic child from wandering and what to do if an event like that occurs. It feels better to have some information handy, and it discussed figuring out why your child might wander. Some children are fascinated by water or street signs and go looking for them. E-man loves parks and he hates to hear LB crying, so put that together with an unlocked door and he's off. 
In total he was gone for maybe 5 minutes, it could have been much worse. I have to keep telling myself that now at least we can work on prevention and vigilance. To use it as a lesson and build a plan that is tailored to keeping him safe. But the worry is there, it will always be there.