Stressing Out

Things have been going fairly well around here. We were a bit nervous a few weeks ago because E-man's IEP was coming up. Typically to continue with the same program (basically justify the school district funding) the kids have to meet 80% of their goals. While E-man has been doing well in many areas, language continues to be a struggle and he wasn't quite meeting the 80% mark. Through some stroke of luck they approved the funding anyway and we will continue with the program. It was such a relief! 


The team we work with really cares about E-man and Little Buddy and are constantly tailoring lessons to meet their needs. We have great communication with them and developed a friendly rapport. It's like the dream team of autism! 
Now we are contending with insurance. Legislation was passed that requires insurance companies to cover autism therapy. This all great, especially for people in crappy school districts or counties that aren't helpful. For us it means jumping a lot of hoops in order to continue therapy. 


We had just started the process of getting the paper work going with our insurance when we found out my husband's company is switching insurance providers. After eight damn years this place decides to change? It must be some kind of karmic twist of fate because really we need more aggravation right? 
Anyway, it looks like we will be switching to Kaiser. 
And of course the kids have to go through a "rediagnosis" process so Kaiser can determine if they qualify for ABA therapy. You know because having a diagnosis from the MIND Institute of UC Davis, a leader in autism research and treatments, isn't good enough. 
Oh! And just to spice things up in May of 2013 the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual)  is being updated with new and "improved" qualifiers for autism diagnosis. 


UNIVERSE I AM DONE!


I'm not sure what else could be thrown in to stress us out but I can't exclude a natural disaster. 
So now we play the waiting game because we don't switch to Kaiser until January 1st. 
I am stressing out. I'm tired, I'm worn thin and this is just the beginning. Sometimes it's overwhelming what we have to do in order to obtain the best for our kids. Sometimes I wish it were easier. So I'm letting myself be upset and stressed out today. Tomorrow I'll rein it in and keep going. Thanks for listening. 

Four Years Old

Wow time really does fly when you have kids! Today E-man is 4 years old, I was so excited this morning it felt almost like it was my birthday. We made him chocolate chip waffles for breakfast and later today he'll have a little birthday party at school with his friends.
Sometimes it is still weird to me that I am a Mom and in charge of this little guy's life. It feels like I have been a parent forever and at the same time it feels like I just started yesterday. In honor of E-man's birthday I want to write a list of what he has taught me so far about being a mom, a person and about life. I think this list will grow exponentially, but here are the highlights.

1. Strength
I think most people don't realize their strength or potential until they are tested or met with a challenge.
E-man is challenged everyday in the therapy he does at school, to help him reach his full potential. When I start to feel overwhelmed with kid stuff, autism stuff, or life stuff I think about him and the fact that he keeps going. He has learned so much and if he can persevere, so can I.

2. No Judgement
Before having kids I was sometimes judgmental about how parents handled situations with their kids. Now I know what it is like to be stared at when your kid is having a meltdown or acting kind of funny in public. Nowadays when I see or hear a kid in public having an issue instead of thinking "Why does that parent let the kid get away with acting like that?" I think "Wow I hope that parent is ok and they can get through it".
I understand now how hard it is so I want to be graceful to others when they are having a hard time.

3. Hope
When E-man was diagnosed with autism it felt like there was no hope, no future and things were bleak. I can say we are very much past that stage and feel so much hope for his and Little Buddy's happiness and abilities in the future. It takes hard work but all things are possible when you let hope take a place in your heart.

4. Acceptance
Sometimes things don't go the way you planned or had dreamt. What I have learned is that through the challenges you can get to a point of acceptance and that's really when the fun starts. Once you can get over the previous plan you had mapped out in your head, your mind starts a new path, a new road to discovering what is important, what is worthy and what will still fulfill you.

5. Appreciation
I think having kids has taught me to appreciate what you have within personal relationships instead of material things. Spending time with people is really a priority lately. I think that is because time has become a hot commodity. With work, school and regular house errands to do it can be hard to squeeze in quality time with people you love. I try to make as much time as I can in our schedule and even then it doesn't feel like enough. However, I appreciate every get together and time spent with great people.

6. Balance
Balancing being a wife, mother, sister and friend is a challenge all by itself. I do not proclaim to be good about it yet but it is something I have realized is a worthy goal to attain. I need time for all aspects of my life in order for the whole to be happy. This is still a work in progress.

7. Love
I love love love my kids and they love me back. It's such a deep, primal feeling of protectiveness and nurturing and I was surprised at the intensity of it all when they came into this world. That love is the driving force in my endeavors to build them up to be good, kind, strong, productive people. I now totally understand the term "Mama bear" because it feels that instinctual and natural.

8. Joy
I have learned to find joy in small things, when E-man requests to be picked up spontaneously instead of being prompted. When he actively engages with me in play time.  His laugh and spirit give me so much joy, it's immeasurable.

9. Family
Our families have been so supportive and helpful through all of this process. It would be difficult to manage without the conversations, tips, acceptance and love we receive from everyone in our circle. I feel blessed to have my family and to have married into a family that loves us and our children unconditionally.

10. Marriage
Marriage is so key to all of these things. I can truly say my hubby makes my life so great. To the basics of being able to stay at home with the kids because he works, to the laughter we share at 6 in the morning dancing around the kitchen making breakfast, he is vital in making this work. I've learned what we can endure as a couple, that we can cry for a bit then tell a joke to break the tension. Our marriage is strong and has a good foundation, kids test that foundation in a way that you can't predict.

I know there will be more to add to this list as time goes on, as new challenges and things come our way there are more lessons to be learned. Even if they are hard, I am glad to know that I will one day appreciate them as important tools in learning about life.

Happy Birthday E-man!!

Family Vacation

This last weekend we took the kids on a family vacation that included a family reunion at a family member's house at Lake Shasta. To be honest with you when I heard about the reunion plan a few months ago I did not want to go. The reason being that it made me super nervous to have E-man so close to water for an extended period of time at an unknown location. Actually it was more like panic-inducing anxiety instead of just nervousness.  As discussed in earlier posts, E-man can be an escape artist and we are vigilant about keeping tabs on him at all times. He also loves playing in water so escaping to go play in water would be a huge draw for him, coupled with his inability to swim this would be a disaster. 

So when we heard about the reunion at first I pleaded with Martin to let me just stay home with the kids, working the angle that he could have a kid free vacation with his family. He wasn't buying it. Then I thought, well maybe I could bring one of my teenage nieces with us to help watch the kids. I was talking to my sister in law about it and while she understood my anxiety she assured me that there would probably be enough people there to help, but if I wanted to bring a niece she would understand. 

It was starting to dawn on me that I was probably over reacting. 

In another discussion with a straight shooting friend of mine that will never sugar coat anything, I brought up the vacation and my concerns. Basically she told me not to be a shut in and that I still had to live my life and provide the boys with new experiences. 

That conversation was a big eye opener, I realized I was making it about me and my anxiety about the boys when I should be trouble shooting ways to make it work. 

That changed my mindset a bit and Martin and I found out the layout of the house, brought some things of our own to E-man proof the house as much as we could. This included bringing a baby gate for the patio, safety door knob covers for our room and a baby monitor. 

We planned as much as we could ahead of time. 

It turned out to be a great trip. We got there and set up the safety devices and with A LOT of help from our family were able to keep an eye on E-man and Little Buddy. 

We took them out on a speed boat, a patio boat and out swimming on the lake. E-man even got to ride on a quad for the first time. They both did really well in the water and by the end of the weekend E-man was able to float in the water in his life jacket by himself, twirling in the water and attempting to swim towards us. 

There were moments of stress but I think that's pretty typical vacationing with two little kids. It was also nice meeting and talking with family members on Martin's side of the family.

What I've been realizing with E-man is that what I expect and what actually occur have not been exactly the same. I haven't been expecting things to go as well as they have, thinking I'm just being realistic. Really I'm being pessimistic and short changing the boys in the mean time. I think between potty training, better food habits and this vacation I'm starting to learn that I need to give both the boys more credit in their ability but also in the ability of me and my husband to handle difficult situations. 

My goal now is to try to be more mindful of how my thoughts and anxieties might help or limit the boys in their experiences, because really my job is to teach them about life. How can I do that if I don't allow them to experience new situations? 

It's funny how teaching them means teaching myself first, realizing that I'm learning as many things from them as they are from me. It's actually pretty amazing.

Food Ninja

Lately I've had to become a food ninja in order to get a well balanced diet into both boys. E-man of course prefers cheese and carbs (a boy after my own heart) and Little Buddy would be content to eat chips and fruit all day if allowed. 
Just this week E-man did a project at school where they taped pictures of their favorite foods on a big poster paper. The foods on his? Cheese, wedding cake (he hasn't been to a wedding but he does love cake), chocolate bars, cookies and a banana. One measly piece of fruit in the buffet of junk. I found it both amusing and disappointing. Kids with autism are usually picky eaters. It has a lot to do with sensory issues that they deal with, the texture, smell and look of food that they experience can be much different that what all us neurotypicals experience.
We were slacking for awhile on improving their diets and it felt like we were cycling through the same 3-4 meals. 
One day we went out to eat and found out the boys will eat chicken strips. I know, what kid doesn't like a chicken strip? Well E-man didn't for a long time and preferred chicken of the nugget variety. So this was pretty exciting.
Another time I bought one of those pre-cooked chickens at Costco and both the boys ate the legs, even better! At least it was healthier than fried chicken bits. So I started baking drumsticks and most of the time they actually eat them. When E-man was around 1 year old he liked sausages and we were sad when he started to refuse those too. Recently we gave them another go, italian turkey sausages were a hit! Ground turkey we had to work a little harder on, we basically bribed him with tortilla chips. 
As you can see veggies are not included so far in the list of new stuff they are eating. Usually when any kind of green food is on their plate, it gets thrown (Little buddy) or ignored (E-man). I learned a way to trick them into eating green veggies from a very smart teacher at their school. Basically you cut tiny bits of broccoli and put it in pasta, that way they get used to seeing green in their food. Then slowly make the broccoli pieces bigger. It's very simple, I wish I had known of it sooner! It totally worked too, E-man at first was skeptical but was hungry enough to try it (another tactic of the food ninja, starve them for a few hours so that they are just grateful to be eating). Little buddy didn't even hesitate and had two servings. Success! 
I was actually a picky eater but my Mom just kept serving me what everybody else was eating. I hated zucchini, tomatoes and one particular dish she called ghoulash (which has no resemblance to actual ghoulash). After awhile I got curious about the foods I had previously shunned. Now I like most things and would never be called a picky eater.
I'm hoping by using tactics that I learn from all different areas of my life I can get the boys to eat a healthy diet. If any of you have sneaky tricks for your picky eaters, I'd love to hear them.
Bon appetit!

A tribute to Dads

In honor of Father's Day this Sunday, I want to talk about Dads. Specifically, the men in my life who also happen to be fathers.  I am my father's third daughter. By the time he and my Mom got through my sisters being teenagers they had mellowed out quite a bit. In high school I remember him taking me to get coffee super early before school, listening to KGO and driving around.  I remember crying my eyes out when we danced to "In my life" by the Beatles (his favorite Beatles song) at my wedding, where for the first time ever I saw him cry too.  I remember after E-man was admitted to the NICU early the following morning after being born my Dad called to console and give me advice.  I remember him BBQing and bringing too much food for E-man's first birthday party. I also remember when we were first dealing with the fact that Little Buddy might have autism too my Dad saying  "Violet, life won't be bad, it will just be different", words I often go back to when starting to feel down.  Most of all I remember the lessons he has taught me and continues to teach me. Work hard, be generous, help out when you can, be honest, think before acting and family is always first. You can call my Dad anytime you need help, he will be there and probably bring food just in case.  I think I am very fortunate to have a great Dad and I am very grateful for the person he is, which I should probably tell him more often.  I think having a strong father figure helped me pick out a strong husband as well. The other Dad in my life is obviously the father of my children.  My hubby and I started dating when I was only 16! We had a lot of time together before having kids, so I thought I knew him pretty well. Which I did to an extent. Having kids changes the way you see your spouse. After finally being able to bring E-man home after his stint in the NICU I was literally afraid to sleep. I was worried he would stop breathing and would stay up just watching him. Instead of treating me like a crazy person, Martin was understanding and talked me off the ledge on that one. I tend to be a higher strung person, a worry wart. Martin is the opposite, he is relaxed and can bring me down to a normal level with all his logic. Watching him become a father has been incredible. From the very beginning he has been hands on, changing diapers, getting up in the middle of the night, going to doctor appointments, all the nitty gritty bits of raising a child.  Going through what we have so far with the autism stuff has also shown me that he won't back down from a challenge. He'll kick ass and take names for his kids. And on the other side of that he is patient, loving and compassionate when dealing with them and their unique way of moving through the world. Literally every day the kids make him smile and he'll say "I just love them so much".  It makes me feel so lucky to have found him and be able to spend my life with my best friend.  I don't think good dads are talked about often enough or thanked as often as necessary. Besides my Dad and hubby, I know many men that are awesome fathers. What I'd like to say to all the Dad's doing their best and supporting their families is that the rest of us appreciate what you do and love you for it.  Have a happy Father's Day!

Adventures in potty training

First I want to thank my mother for teaching me how to successfully poop and pee in a toilet. I don't think many people stop and thank their mothers for this skill, that is until they have to actually teach another human being how to do it. Not just another human being, but a small one, one that was happy to poop while watching cartoons and have you wipe their ass. 
If you too are embarking on the potty training ride, I recommend a call to your Mom and thanking her first. At least you might have a little good karma to start with. Second, make sure to have a butt load of extra undies, pants, shorts and socks before starting. This is vital, so start working on that pile of laundry you've been neglecting. I myself did not do either of these things and can tell you I'm a dummy.
We are only on day 2 of potty training with E-man and out of underwear.  Here's the thing, I didn't plan this very well. E-man's school is also potty training him and I sent extra clothes to keep there and didn't leave enough for him at the house. I feel like I'm always catching up instead of getting ahead of the game lately. Potty training is just making it glaringly obvious. 
I texted my sister telling her about my potty woes and she just laughs. As a mother of four boys I'm sure she figures she has the right to laugh at a noob just figuring it out. Although she annoys me with her superior attitude she made me laugh hysterically (laughing so hard my hubby was giving me weird looks) with her personal potty training anecdotes. 
Sister:  "The one thing i hated was cutting them off of juice by a certain time of night . They always acted like they just got back from the Sahara."
And,
"Or the innocent face when u ask them, and they clearly smell like shit, 'did you wipe?'".
The thing about it is that even though it's tough it gives E-man and I a few minutes every half hour to connect.  You are literally forced to stop anything you are doing and sit with them and wait. So we read books and sing songs. Just before bed E-man was sitting on the toilet giggling and reached over to give me a kiss. In the midst of my frustration he broke through and reminded me what it's all about. His sweetness makes me grateful for the moment, my beautiful son and all of a sudden there is no where else I'd rather be than sitting on the bathroom floor, waiting for him to pee.

Kid Update

Since it is almost Mother's Day I thought I would discuss the accomplishments and gains that my offspring have made lately. 


E-man has been doing really well at school, his verbal imitation is slowly beginning to turn into spontaneous language. The words he says most often without prompting are "Mama" and "no". 
The other day during dinner he said
 "Mama?"
"What's up buddy?" I replied 
"Da."
"You're all done?"
"Ah da"
Addressing me and requesting something is HUGE for him. It was a really proud moment. Hearing his little voice brings me so much joy. I actually look forward to the day he's talking so much I just want him to stop! I give you permission to call me out on that one when I start complaining about it. 


He has finally grown out of his obsession with Backyardigans and now enjoys Yo Gabba Gabba, though not with as much zeal as he had for Backyardigans.  We have also been working on putting socks and shoes on by himself, brushing his teeth, and using a fork regularly. I catch myself doing things for him because I'm used to doing it all and I have to remind myself to let him learn how to do it too. The other day when we were brushing teeth I got all excited thinking he could try the sonicare tooth brush I use. Turning it on and hastily putting it to his lips I thought, this will be great! His teeth will never have cavities! As soon as it touched him he freaked and ran away. The rest of the morning he kept glancing at me and then would run for fear I'd try to use the medieval torture device on him again. 
What I should have done is just let him see the sonicare and touch it without turning it on. Gradually over several days letting him get used to it and eventually brush his teeth with it. 
So it's a learning process for everyone. 
Another big thing for E-man is preschool for the fall, we found one that works well with the program he is in. We went to go visit and everyone was really nice and didn't seem at all worried about the whole autism thing. 
I actually saw a kid I recognized from E-mans's school who looked like he was doing just fine. It made me feel
like this place would be the right fit. 


LB has been doing great with his therapy at the house. It took a little while for him to get used to me "dropping him off" in the front room with his teacher. Now he runs in and plays and interacts pretty well with them. His receptive language has been increasing. He understands outside, let's go, book, ba-ba, snack, and cookie. His eye contact and name recognition has improved quite a bit. He babbles a good amount and about half the time will try to repeat back parts of words. It's actually really interesting to see the differences in both boys. Where E-man has always had a slow but steady pace of skill acquisition, LB makes leaps and bounds then cools off for awhile. 

Both boys have had forward motion in their progress. There are still problem behaviors we are working on but I feel like the gains overshadow the downsides at this point. 
It's exciting to be scouting out preschools for E-man and watching LB blossom with the help of therapy. 
Sometimes it feels like I blink and 6 months have sped by, the kids growing and changing throughout. 
I think my best bet is to try to savor the small moments and cherish the memories.