I've been on a personal journey to get healthy for about a year and a half. Actually, let me back up. It really started about 3 years ago when I reconnected with an old friend from high school who ended up having a career in personal training. After a few months of catching up over the phone I expressed a desire to get healthy/lose weight, which of course I had said a million times before but never really meant it.
She said four simple words that changed my life forever: "I can help you".
This was the beginning to a conversation that has lasted for 3 years. I started out with a new eating plan and was quickly derailed by getting pregnant with Little Buddy. Of course I took that as an opportunity to eat what ever the hell I wanted and gain 40 lbs, not the best course of action obviously.
Two weeks following the birth of LB, E-man was diagnosed with autism.
It was very hard coping in this new reality with postpartum hormones running around, I was a wreck to say the least. A month went by and with gentle prodding from my friend we started our getting healthy campaign. I've since lost 60 lbs, have run a 5k and I am training for a 10k currently.
I can't say it's been easy, I've had ups and downs and without the help and support of my long lost pal I wouldn't have kept it up. If you've ever watched Biggest Loser you'll be familiar with the idea that contestants go into it thinking "I want to look good, I want to be healthy for x, y, z" and it ends up being a very emotional, mental and spiritual journey.
I've really had to look at myself and why I let myself get so overweight.
The simple answer was that I stopped caring. A consistent thought in my head regarding my health was "whatever, I don't care" and then consume whatever I could get my hands on. Why did I stop caring?
I think there are many reasons, family turmoil, feeling too comfortable in my relationship with my boyfriend (now husband), not wanting to be seen and basically hiding behind the fat. I have to say learning these hard truths have been so worth it thus far. The things I've discovered about myself and the strength I possess are revelations, which my friend saw in me all along.
Recently with LB meeting criteria for autism combined with the holidays I had the old apathetic feelings creeping back. I only gave a half hearted attempt at eating well and exercising. I stewed in self pity and lacked motivation to even clean the house properly.
Realizing that I would undo all the hard work I had put into the last year and a half, my husband and I put together a plan to get our shit together for 2012. We created goals to work on and I joined an online group of parents with kids with autism that wanted to "decrapify" their lives as well.
Of course my trainer/best friend has helped pull me out of my slump and kicked my booty in the right direction.
All of these things combined have helped me get back on track and excited again to get to my goal weight. I think taking care of myself will help me be a better Mom, wife, sister, daughter and friend.
The journey is still going, I'm still learning about myself and the weight loss/getting fit is actually just a bonus to the real prize- loving and accepting myself.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Friday, December 9, 2011
E-man rises
In light of everything going on with Little Buddy I wanted to create a separate post detailing how E-man is doing.
E-man as I had mentioned in a previous post has started using verbal imitation. A few examples of the words he's attempting to imitate are cheese, cracker, cookie, and popcorn. As you can see he is highly motivated by food! At this point I think he has a glimmer of understanding that words can help him get what he wants. It was a similar process when we were trying to teach him to point for what he wanted instead of hand leading.
It started out with modeling the pointing, using hand over hand to create the point with his hand, prompting him to use it and slowly fading away the prompt. This process took about 6 months of repetition and using highly desired objects (food most of the time) until he finally got it on his own.
Occasionally he'll still need a prompt but that's usually if he's distracted by something else going on.
Another huge accomplishment is his ability to imitate. Typically developing kids naturally imitate and use that as a method of learning.
E-man had to be taught to imitate and it took just over a year to meet that goal. This is huge because it leads to so many more learning opportunities and we see him applying this new skill all the time.
His attendance to his surroundings and people around him has also greatly improved. He looks up at me all the time to "check in" and the increased eye contact is so special because I can read how he feels so much better!
Teaching him to point, learn imitation and increase his awareness really helped me understand that E-man can make these gains but it will take quite some time and effort to get him to his goals. You know what? I'm perfectly fine with that. As long as we get there and he's able to accomplish these milestones it doesn't matter how long it takes. Obviously we can't do this on our own and the school that he attends deserve much of the praise.
An eye-opening lesson for me is that all of this gets my husband and I closer to understanding and knowing his personality. It's in there but it needs some coaxing to come out. It literally fills me with pride when he accomplishes new skills and is willing to try more to get to his goals.
Before I really understood what autism was I assumed that the children were not affectionate and did not connect in a meaningfully way with people. I now know that is quite to the contrary!
He loves his hugs and kisses, laughs when Daddy is being silly, and can be quite mischievous. He'll laugh when he takes something from the kitchen that isn't a toy, put on his devil grin when he bothers his little brother. It's so exciting to see him blossom.
I really feel like seeing how far E-man has come gives me so much hope with Little Buddy's future. E-man can blaze the trail for his younger brother. He'll teach this little family that with hard work and determination the sky is the limit.
E-man as I had mentioned in a previous post has started using verbal imitation. A few examples of the words he's attempting to imitate are cheese, cracker, cookie, and popcorn. As you can see he is highly motivated by food! At this point I think he has a glimmer of understanding that words can help him get what he wants. It was a similar process when we were trying to teach him to point for what he wanted instead of hand leading.
It started out with modeling the pointing, using hand over hand to create the point with his hand, prompting him to use it and slowly fading away the prompt. This process took about 6 months of repetition and using highly desired objects (food most of the time) until he finally got it on his own.
Occasionally he'll still need a prompt but that's usually if he's distracted by something else going on.
Another huge accomplishment is his ability to imitate. Typically developing kids naturally imitate and use that as a method of learning.
E-man had to be taught to imitate and it took just over a year to meet that goal. This is huge because it leads to so many more learning opportunities and we see him applying this new skill all the time.
His attendance to his surroundings and people around him has also greatly improved. He looks up at me all the time to "check in" and the increased eye contact is so special because I can read how he feels so much better!
Teaching him to point, learn imitation and increase his awareness really helped me understand that E-man can make these gains but it will take quite some time and effort to get him to his goals. You know what? I'm perfectly fine with that. As long as we get there and he's able to accomplish these milestones it doesn't matter how long it takes. Obviously we can't do this on our own and the school that he attends deserve much of the praise.
An eye-opening lesson for me is that all of this gets my husband and I closer to understanding and knowing his personality. It's in there but it needs some coaxing to come out. It literally fills me with pride when he accomplishes new skills and is willing to try more to get to his goals.
Before I really understood what autism was I assumed that the children were not affectionate and did not connect in a meaningfully way with people. I now know that is quite to the contrary!
He loves his hugs and kisses, laughs when Daddy is being silly, and can be quite mischievous. He'll laugh when he takes something from the kitchen that isn't a toy, put on his devil grin when he bothers his little brother. It's so exciting to see him blossom.
I really feel like seeing how far E-man has come gives me so much hope with Little Buddy's future. E-man can blaze the trail for his younger brother. He'll teach this little family that with hard work and determination the sky is the limit.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Getting to a better place
So much has been happening for our little family unit recently.
On Friday Little Buddy had his 18 month check up with the Infant Sibling Study. They administered something called the ADOS, which is a diagnostic tool for autism. What they found is that currently Little Buddy "meets criteria" for autism.
I questioned the use of the phrase "meets criteria" instead of just saying "diagnosis". The explanation is that there are those that question whether a child can truly be diagnosed before the age of 2 years, so as of right now they say "meets criteria". This is only frustrating because services may be delayed if there is no formal diagnosis. Currently he is receiving 3 hours a week which I'm glad to say he is tolerating well. For now it's up in the air what exactly will happen but I'm confident we'll be able to increase his hours at some point.
All logistics aside, I wasn't surprised with the results of the ADOS. Little Buddy has slowly but surely been blossoming with autistic symptoms. Does this mean that I am any less devastated? No. I am that plus so many other emotions. It's hard to put into words that I am full of hope and sadness, gratitude and pain, relief and anxiety. I have tough moments when I want to cry at the injustice of it but I look at the faces of my little boys and they are so beautiful. They are healthy, happy and so very much loved. I can find many things to be thankful for that the brightness can dull the anguish. It will be a tough road for my husband and I but we can and will walk through the fire.
On Friday Little Buddy had his 18 month check up with the Infant Sibling Study. They administered something called the ADOS, which is a diagnostic tool for autism. What they found is that currently Little Buddy "meets criteria" for autism.
I questioned the use of the phrase "meets criteria" instead of just saying "diagnosis". The explanation is that there are those that question whether a child can truly be diagnosed before the age of 2 years, so as of right now they say "meets criteria". This is only frustrating because services may be delayed if there is no formal diagnosis. Currently he is receiving 3 hours a week which I'm glad to say he is tolerating well. For now it's up in the air what exactly will happen but I'm confident we'll be able to increase his hours at some point.
All logistics aside, I wasn't surprised with the results of the ADOS. Little Buddy has slowly but surely been blossoming with autistic symptoms. Does this mean that I am any less devastated? No. I am that plus so many other emotions. It's hard to put into words that I am full of hope and sadness, gratitude and pain, relief and anxiety. I have tough moments when I want to cry at the injustice of it but I look at the faces of my little boys and they are so beautiful. They are healthy, happy and so very much loved. I can find many things to be thankful for that the brightness can dull the anguish. It will be a tough road for my husband and I but we can and will walk through the fire.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Busy Bee
It has been quite awhile since I was able to blog because it has been so busy around here! Between getting E-man to school, taking Little Buddy to Sacramento every week, cleaning the house, work and maintaining my marriage I have been too exhausted to even think about typing! Hopefully that explains my long overdue update on how the boys are doing, please forgive me ;-)
E-man has been making some great gains now that he has been attending school for going on 6 weeks. He has mastered gross and fine motor imitation and is beginning to use verbal imitation as well. I can't even express how exciting this is to us. We have had to work on many other foundational steps to get to this point and the fact that he is starting the process of verbal communication makes me giddy. There was a short period of time that my husband and I were struggling with the various school options and I am so relieved this is the result of our choice. I'm very excited for E-man"s future, I feel like it's so bright.
Little Buddy is doing pretty good too, I have been learning quite a bit about how to encourage him to come out of his shell and foster his communication skills. We had an evaluation through our local regional center and he came out with what they called "splintered skills". Basically this means he scores all over the place, with strenghts and delays in some areas. They recommended an at risk program through E-man's school and to be formally evaluated for autism at the M.I.N.D. Institute.
I was broken up about this for a week or so, even having a cry session at work with some colleagues. Thank God everybody has been supportive thus far. Really what is helping me get through this is praying but also the mantra "choosing to be happy". I can't control a whole lot of what will happen in life, but I can control my reaction. This gives me comfort in the hardest times. At this point there are still many things to be happy and thankful about for both my little men.
Well I am off to pick up E-man, until next time.....choose happiness!
E-man has been making some great gains now that he has been attending school for going on 6 weeks. He has mastered gross and fine motor imitation and is beginning to use verbal imitation as well. I can't even express how exciting this is to us. We have had to work on many other foundational steps to get to this point and the fact that he is starting the process of verbal communication makes me giddy. There was a short period of time that my husband and I were struggling with the various school options and I am so relieved this is the result of our choice. I'm very excited for E-man"s future, I feel like it's so bright.
Little Buddy is doing pretty good too, I have been learning quite a bit about how to encourage him to come out of his shell and foster his communication skills. We had an evaluation through our local regional center and he came out with what they called "splintered skills". Basically this means he scores all over the place, with strenghts and delays in some areas. They recommended an at risk program through E-man's school and to be formally evaluated for autism at the M.I.N.D. Institute.
I was broken up about this for a week or so, even having a cry session at work with some colleagues. Thank God everybody has been supportive thus far. Really what is helping me get through this is praying but also the mantra "choosing to be happy". I can't control a whole lot of what will happen in life, but I can control my reaction. This gives me comfort in the hardest times. At this point there are still many things to be happy and thankful about for both my little men.
Well I am off to pick up E-man, until next time.....choose happiness!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I hate the internet
Ok this is the 3rd attempt at writing this blog because the first 2 promptly were deleted in some weird internet black hole. UGHH. So please forgive the brief update, Little Buddy will be waking up any minute from his nap!
E-man is doing great at school, a few rough mornings during drop off but I think this will improve with time and when he gets over this cold that has infected the house.
Little Buddy had his first appointment at the M.I.N.D. Institute yesterday and it went well. We came up with some goals to work on with him for the 12 weeks. He seemed to enjoy himself playing and exploring the new place we were in. He was also babbling quite a bit and said "cheese". This is only exciting because I always tell people he says stuff then he won't do it in front of anybody. This time I got witnesses!
I'm also enjoying my freedom. I can get things done or not get them done if I don't feel like it. I didn't realize how tied down I felt with at home therapy until I was unleashed! It feels great. It feels like we are kicking ass and taking names around here. I LOVE IT!
E-man is doing great at school, a few rough mornings during drop off but I think this will improve with time and when he gets over this cold that has infected the house.
Little Buddy had his first appointment at the M.I.N.D. Institute yesterday and it went well. We came up with some goals to work on with him for the 12 weeks. He seemed to enjoy himself playing and exploring the new place we were in. He was also babbling quite a bit and said "cheese". This is only exciting because I always tell people he says stuff then he won't do it in front of anybody. This time I got witnesses!
I'm also enjoying my freedom. I can get things done or not get them done if I don't feel like it. I didn't realize how tied down I felt with at home therapy until I was unleashed! It feels great. It feels like we are kicking ass and taking names around here. I LOVE IT!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
New beginnings
Couple of things to discuss today. We had E-man's very first IEP yesterday and it went really well. It was decided by the team that he would most benefit from continuing therapy with the school we have already been working with. This was our biggest concern going in, so it was super cool that it worked out for us. It was also decided that today would be his first day at school, which was a little sooner than I thought but it is a good thing because E-man was starting to get restless and bored without the structure of school.
That brings us to this morning, a whole lot of firsts for us and E-man, packing his lunch and getting his backpack ready to take with him, taking pictures of him being cute. Then there was the dreaded drop off. To my surprise he handled it pretty well, he looked a little confused when we got there but we brought him in to the play room where the kids start their day and he literally dove into one of those fabric tunnel toys and never looked back! Needless to say it was harder on us than him, at least for today. We'll see how tomorrow goes! It's bittersweet to see him go, growing up and branching out. I will miss him so much. In the end it's all for the future and building his potential to the fullest, so I must keep that in mind while I mope around the house this first week.
In other news, we had Little Buddy's second assesment, which he was much less grumpy about but still displayed some red flags of autism. From there we decided to go ahead and sign him up for the 12 week early intervention, in hopes it will either stop or greatly slow down his regression. This is also bittersweet, being that we are grateful this opportunity exists for us but the fact that it is necessary is daunting. Leaving that appointment I was much more hopeful because I didn't expect going in that miraculously he would be fine, but that we need to address his needs head on. The interventions for him will begin next week. There are many new beginnings around here, with E-man's school, Little Buddy's classes and my new open schedule. Hopefully there will be many exciting results and gains from all these things, either way I am looking forward to the future.
That brings us to this morning, a whole lot of firsts for us and E-man, packing his lunch and getting his backpack ready to take with him, taking pictures of him being cute. Then there was the dreaded drop off. To my surprise he handled it pretty well, he looked a little confused when we got there but we brought him in to the play room where the kids start their day and he literally dove into one of those fabric tunnel toys and never looked back! Needless to say it was harder on us than him, at least for today. We'll see how tomorrow goes! It's bittersweet to see him go, growing up and branching out. I will miss him so much. In the end it's all for the future and building his potential to the fullest, so I must keep that in mind while I mope around the house this first week.
In other news, we had Little Buddy's second assesment, which he was much less grumpy about but still displayed some red flags of autism. From there we decided to go ahead and sign him up for the 12 week early intervention, in hopes it will either stop or greatly slow down his regression. This is also bittersweet, being that we are grateful this opportunity exists for us but the fact that it is necessary is daunting. Leaving that appointment I was much more hopeful because I didn't expect going in that miraculously he would be fine, but that we need to address his needs head on. The interventions for him will begin next week. There are many new beginnings around here, with E-man's school, Little Buddy's classes and my new open schedule. Hopefully there will be many exciting results and gains from all these things, either way I am looking forward to the future.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Trying to stay positive
Today is kind of a big deal. As I've mentioned my oldest son E-man has autism. This wasn't an easy road for us to begin but in the last year we have become quite positive and in a place of acceptance.
Then we got a big punch in the gut. My youngest, Little buddy is starting to show some autism signs as well. We started to notice little things here and there when he was 14 months old, but tried to explain it away or focus on the things he was doing well. So we were plugging away in our denial when I took him for his 15 month check up as part of an infant sibling study we are part of at the M.I.N.D. Institute at UC Davis when the punch came through. They noticed what we had been trying to deny. Not answering to his name, fixating on objects and not giving a whole lot of eye contact. They were helpful and referred us to a different study for early interventions. I took the information and tried to hold in the tears until I could make it to the car. I barely made it out of the building before I lost it.
This isn't supposed to happen, why us, what are we going to do, what will happen when we die? All of these things and more start welling up and I do my best to drive home the 1 hour and 20 minutes as safely as I can. This is the only time in my life that I have considered suicide. Just on that ride home I thought, wouldn't it be easier to not feel this or exist? The moment was fleeting because I realized I have to be strong for my boys and my husband. How could I expect them to persevere if I could not?
So I gathered myself and when I got home my husband and I commiserated. Can I just say THANK GOD I have a super supportive, smart and caring husband? Without him as my rock this road would be a whole lot bumpier.
So that brings us to today. I spoke on the phone with a doctor at the MIND and found out about a study for young kids who have some autism red flags. Basically they provide parent training to help deliver early interventions to the child before a diagnosis. They've had some success with the study so far and I thought we have nothing to lose, sign us up! As a requirement to be in the study they are having Little Buddy assessed one more time to confirm the earlier findings and place him in the study. So today is the second assessment.
I'm doing my best to be positive and this morning it's been hitting me a little hard. Is our future going to have 2 kids with autism? Learning to accept that will be difficult but I have hope for my boys and my family. That is the seed I will grow our happiness from, just gotta hang on to the hope.
Then we got a big punch in the gut. My youngest, Little buddy is starting to show some autism signs as well. We started to notice little things here and there when he was 14 months old, but tried to explain it away or focus on the things he was doing well. So we were plugging away in our denial when I took him for his 15 month check up as part of an infant sibling study we are part of at the M.I.N.D. Institute at UC Davis when the punch came through. They noticed what we had been trying to deny. Not answering to his name, fixating on objects and not giving a whole lot of eye contact. They were helpful and referred us to a different study for early interventions. I took the information and tried to hold in the tears until I could make it to the car. I barely made it out of the building before I lost it.
This isn't supposed to happen, why us, what are we going to do, what will happen when we die? All of these things and more start welling up and I do my best to drive home the 1 hour and 20 minutes as safely as I can. This is the only time in my life that I have considered suicide. Just on that ride home I thought, wouldn't it be easier to not feel this or exist? The moment was fleeting because I realized I have to be strong for my boys and my husband. How could I expect them to persevere if I could not?
So I gathered myself and when I got home my husband and I commiserated. Can I just say THANK GOD I have a super supportive, smart and caring husband? Without him as my rock this road would be a whole lot bumpier.
So that brings us to today. I spoke on the phone with a doctor at the MIND and found out about a study for young kids who have some autism red flags. Basically they provide parent training to help deliver early interventions to the child before a diagnosis. They've had some success with the study so far and I thought we have nothing to lose, sign us up! As a requirement to be in the study they are having Little Buddy assessed one more time to confirm the earlier findings and place him in the study. So today is the second assessment.
I'm doing my best to be positive and this morning it's been hitting me a little hard. Is our future going to have 2 kids with autism? Learning to accept that will be difficult but I have hope for my boys and my family. That is the seed I will grow our happiness from, just gotta hang on to the hope.
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