Gratitude

Having my kids has changed me as a person. It seems pretty common for most parents, whatever personality your child brings to the table molds the outlook you have on life and people around you. 
What has been inspiring are the changes that have happened to the people around us because of our children. Family and friends have told me learning about autism and knowing E-man and Little Buddy have given them a new perspective and that it has changed their actions. 
My 18 year old niece told me she went to a friend's party awhile ago. This friend had a special needs family member in his teens as well. He was a little awkward but eager to talk to people and my niece sat down and had a conversation with him. She told me later she thought about when E-man was older and trying to talk to people how she would want them to treat him. That she hoped a girl wouldn't shoot him down immediately because he was different. 
My sister said she doesn't judge parents who have kids that might act a little funny in public. Now she understands sometimes there is more to the story than what you see at a check out lane at Target. Not only has she had this realization she defends those kids to others not so accepting. 
Their grandparents have also changed. Knowing the kids' unique likes and dislikes, have gone out of their way to provide special things and time to spend with them. 
Sometimes it feels like I talk endlessly about their autism because I'm almost afraid family will forget. Obviously that isn't going to happen but it's this weird anxiety that I have. What's awesome is seeing that what I have said wasn't in vain. Our families understand when we have to take Little Buddy to a quieter location when things get loud. There have even been times I am so stressed out at a social gathering a quick thinking grandparent guides me in what to do, suggesting something I told them worked previously. People are listening, more than I thought. 
It means so much to me that not only are my children loved and accepted but fully embraced. Their oddness is OK.  Not every family facing similar challenges has the support we do. It makes me feel so lucky, so grateful to know my friends and family are listening, hoping, praying and loving us and the boys. I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you.

Stressing Out

Things have been going fairly well around here. We were a bit nervous a few weeks ago because E-man's IEP was coming up. Typically to continue with the same program (basically justify the school district funding) the kids have to meet 80% of their goals. While E-man has been doing well in many areas, language continues to be a struggle and he wasn't quite meeting the 80% mark. Through some stroke of luck they approved the funding anyway and we will continue with the program. It was such a relief! 


The team we work with really cares about E-man and Little Buddy and are constantly tailoring lessons to meet their needs. We have great communication with them and developed a friendly rapport. It's like the dream team of autism! 
Now we are contending with insurance. Legislation was passed that requires insurance companies to cover autism therapy. This all great, especially for people in crappy school districts or counties that aren't helpful. For us it means jumping a lot of hoops in order to continue therapy. 


We had just started the process of getting the paper work going with our insurance when we found out my husband's company is switching insurance providers. After eight damn years this place decides to change? It must be some kind of karmic twist of fate because really we need more aggravation right? 
Anyway, it looks like we will be switching to Kaiser. 
And of course the kids have to go through a "rediagnosis" process so Kaiser can determine if they qualify for ABA therapy. You know because having a diagnosis from the MIND Institute of UC Davis, a leader in autism research and treatments, isn't good enough. 
Oh! And just to spice things up in May of 2013 the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual)  is being updated with new and "improved" qualifiers for autism diagnosis. 


UNIVERSE I AM DONE!


I'm not sure what else could be thrown in to stress us out but I can't exclude a natural disaster. 
So now we play the waiting game because we don't switch to Kaiser until January 1st. 
I am stressing out. I'm tired, I'm worn thin and this is just the beginning. Sometimes it's overwhelming what we have to do in order to obtain the best for our kids. Sometimes I wish it were easier. So I'm letting myself be upset and stressed out today. Tomorrow I'll rein it in and keep going. Thanks for listening. 

Four Years Old

Wow time really does fly when you have kids! Today E-man is 4 years old, I was so excited this morning it felt almost like it was my birthday. We made him chocolate chip waffles for breakfast and later today he'll have a little birthday party at school with his friends.
Sometimes it is still weird to me that I am a Mom and in charge of this little guy's life. It feels like I have been a parent forever and at the same time it feels like I just started yesterday. In honor of E-man's birthday I want to write a list of what he has taught me so far about being a mom, a person and about life. I think this list will grow exponentially, but here are the highlights.

1. Strength
I think most people don't realize their strength or potential until they are tested or met with a challenge.
E-man is challenged everyday in the therapy he does at school, to help him reach his full potential. When I start to feel overwhelmed with kid stuff, autism stuff, or life stuff I think about him and the fact that he keeps going. He has learned so much and if he can persevere, so can I.

2. No Judgement
Before having kids I was sometimes judgmental about how parents handled situations with their kids. Now I know what it is like to be stared at when your kid is having a meltdown or acting kind of funny in public. Nowadays when I see or hear a kid in public having an issue instead of thinking "Why does that parent let the kid get away with acting like that?" I think "Wow I hope that parent is ok and they can get through it".
I understand now how hard it is so I want to be graceful to others when they are having a hard time.

3. Hope
When E-man was diagnosed with autism it felt like there was no hope, no future and things were bleak. I can say we are very much past that stage and feel so much hope for his and Little Buddy's happiness and abilities in the future. It takes hard work but all things are possible when you let hope take a place in your heart.

4. Acceptance
Sometimes things don't go the way you planned or had dreamt. What I have learned is that through the challenges you can get to a point of acceptance and that's really when the fun starts. Once you can get over the previous plan you had mapped out in your head, your mind starts a new path, a new road to discovering what is important, what is worthy and what will still fulfill you.

5. Appreciation
I think having kids has taught me to appreciate what you have within personal relationships instead of material things. Spending time with people is really a priority lately. I think that is because time has become a hot commodity. With work, school and regular house errands to do it can be hard to squeeze in quality time with people you love. I try to make as much time as I can in our schedule and even then it doesn't feel like enough. However, I appreciate every get together and time spent with great people.

6. Balance
Balancing being a wife, mother, sister and friend is a challenge all by itself. I do not proclaim to be good about it yet but it is something I have realized is a worthy goal to attain. I need time for all aspects of my life in order for the whole to be happy. This is still a work in progress.

7. Love
I love love love my kids and they love me back. It's such a deep, primal feeling of protectiveness and nurturing and I was surprised at the intensity of it all when they came into this world. That love is the driving force in my endeavors to build them up to be good, kind, strong, productive people. I now totally understand the term "Mama bear" because it feels that instinctual and natural.

8. Joy
I have learned to find joy in small things, when E-man requests to be picked up spontaneously instead of being prompted. When he actively engages with me in play time.  His laugh and spirit give me so much joy, it's immeasurable.

9. Family
Our families have been so supportive and helpful through all of this process. It would be difficult to manage without the conversations, tips, acceptance and love we receive from everyone in our circle. I feel blessed to have my family and to have married into a family that loves us and our children unconditionally.

10. Marriage
Marriage is so key to all of these things. I can truly say my hubby makes my life so great. To the basics of being able to stay at home with the kids because he works, to the laughter we share at 6 in the morning dancing around the kitchen making breakfast, he is vital in making this work. I've learned what we can endure as a couple, that we can cry for a bit then tell a joke to break the tension. Our marriage is strong and has a good foundation, kids test that foundation in a way that you can't predict.

I know there will be more to add to this list as time goes on, as new challenges and things come our way there are more lessons to be learned. Even if they are hard, I am glad to know that I will one day appreciate them as important tools in learning about life.

Happy Birthday E-man!!

Family Vacation

This last weekend we took the kids on a family vacation that included a family reunion at a family member's house at Lake Shasta. To be honest with you when I heard about the reunion plan a few months ago I did not want to go. The reason being that it made me super nervous to have E-man so close to water for an extended period of time at an unknown location. Actually it was more like panic-inducing anxiety instead of just nervousness.  As discussed in earlier posts, E-man can be an escape artist and we are vigilant about keeping tabs on him at all times. He also loves playing in water so escaping to go play in water would be a huge draw for him, coupled with his inability to swim this would be a disaster. 

So when we heard about the reunion at first I pleaded with Martin to let me just stay home with the kids, working the angle that he could have a kid free vacation with his family. He wasn't buying it. Then I thought, well maybe I could bring one of my teenage nieces with us to help watch the kids. I was talking to my sister in law about it and while she understood my anxiety she assured me that there would probably be enough people there to help, but if I wanted to bring a niece she would understand. 

It was starting to dawn on me that I was probably over reacting. 

In another discussion with a straight shooting friend of mine that will never sugar coat anything, I brought up the vacation and my concerns. Basically she told me not to be a shut in and that I still had to live my life and provide the boys with new experiences. 

That conversation was a big eye opener, I realized I was making it about me and my anxiety about the boys when I should be trouble shooting ways to make it work. 

That changed my mindset a bit and Martin and I found out the layout of the house, brought some things of our own to E-man proof the house as much as we could. This included bringing a baby gate for the patio, safety door knob covers for our room and a baby monitor. 

We planned as much as we could ahead of time. 

It turned out to be a great trip. We got there and set up the safety devices and with A LOT of help from our family were able to keep an eye on E-man and Little Buddy. 

We took them out on a speed boat, a patio boat and out swimming on the lake. E-man even got to ride on a quad for the first time. They both did really well in the water and by the end of the weekend E-man was able to float in the water in his life jacket by himself, twirling in the water and attempting to swim towards us. 

There were moments of stress but I think that's pretty typical vacationing with two little kids. It was also nice meeting and talking with family members on Martin's side of the family.

What I've been realizing with E-man is that what I expect and what actually occur have not been exactly the same. I haven't been expecting things to go as well as they have, thinking I'm just being realistic. Really I'm being pessimistic and short changing the boys in the mean time. I think between potty training, better food habits and this vacation I'm starting to learn that I need to give both the boys more credit in their ability but also in the ability of me and my husband to handle difficult situations. 

My goal now is to try to be more mindful of how my thoughts and anxieties might help or limit the boys in their experiences, because really my job is to teach them about life. How can I do that if I don't allow them to experience new situations? 

It's funny how teaching them means teaching myself first, realizing that I'm learning as many things from them as they are from me. It's actually pretty amazing.

Food Ninja

Lately I've had to become a food ninja in order to get a well balanced diet into both boys. E-man of course prefers cheese and carbs (a boy after my own heart) and Little Buddy would be content to eat chips and fruit all day if allowed. 
Just this week E-man did a project at school where they taped pictures of their favorite foods on a big poster paper. The foods on his? Cheese, wedding cake (he hasn't been to a wedding but he does love cake), chocolate bars, cookies and a banana. One measly piece of fruit in the buffet of junk. I found it both amusing and disappointing. Kids with autism are usually picky eaters. It has a lot to do with sensory issues that they deal with, the texture, smell and look of food that they experience can be much different that what all us neurotypicals experience.
We were slacking for awhile on improving their diets and it felt like we were cycling through the same 3-4 meals. 
One day we went out to eat and found out the boys will eat chicken strips. I know, what kid doesn't like a chicken strip? Well E-man didn't for a long time and preferred chicken of the nugget variety. So this was pretty exciting.
Another time I bought one of those pre-cooked chickens at Costco and both the boys ate the legs, even better! At least it was healthier than fried chicken bits. So I started baking drumsticks and most of the time they actually eat them. When E-man was around 1 year old he liked sausages and we were sad when he started to refuse those too. Recently we gave them another go, italian turkey sausages were a hit! Ground turkey we had to work a little harder on, we basically bribed him with tortilla chips. 
As you can see veggies are not included so far in the list of new stuff they are eating. Usually when any kind of green food is on their plate, it gets thrown (Little buddy) or ignored (E-man). I learned a way to trick them into eating green veggies from a very smart teacher at their school. Basically you cut tiny bits of broccoli and put it in pasta, that way they get used to seeing green in their food. Then slowly make the broccoli pieces bigger. It's very simple, I wish I had known of it sooner! It totally worked too, E-man at first was skeptical but was hungry enough to try it (another tactic of the food ninja, starve them for a few hours so that they are just grateful to be eating). Little buddy didn't even hesitate and had two servings. Success! 
I was actually a picky eater but my Mom just kept serving me what everybody else was eating. I hated zucchini, tomatoes and one particular dish she called ghoulash (which has no resemblance to actual ghoulash). After awhile I got curious about the foods I had previously shunned. Now I like most things and would never be called a picky eater.
I'm hoping by using tactics that I learn from all different areas of my life I can get the boys to eat a healthy diet. If any of you have sneaky tricks for your picky eaters, I'd love to hear them.
Bon appetit!

A tribute to Dads

In honor of Father's Day this Sunday, I want to talk about Dads. Specifically, the men in my life who also happen to be fathers.  I am my father's third daughter. By the time he and my Mom got through my sisters being teenagers they had mellowed out quite a bit. In high school I remember him taking me to get coffee super early before school, listening to KGO and driving around.  I remember crying my eyes out when we danced to "In my life" by the Beatles (his favorite Beatles song) at my wedding, where for the first time ever I saw him cry too.  I remember after E-man was admitted to the NICU early the following morning after being born my Dad called to console and give me advice.  I remember him BBQing and bringing too much food for E-man's first birthday party. I also remember when we were first dealing with the fact that Little Buddy might have autism too my Dad saying  "Violet, life won't be bad, it will just be different", words I often go back to when starting to feel down.  Most of all I remember the lessons he has taught me and continues to teach me. Work hard, be generous, help out when you can, be honest, think before acting and family is always first. You can call my Dad anytime you need help, he will be there and probably bring food just in case.  I think I am very fortunate to have a great Dad and I am very grateful for the person he is, which I should probably tell him more often.  I think having a strong father figure helped me pick out a strong husband as well. The other Dad in my life is obviously the father of my children.  My hubby and I started dating when I was only 16! We had a lot of time together before having kids, so I thought I knew him pretty well. Which I did to an extent. Having kids changes the way you see your spouse. After finally being able to bring E-man home after his stint in the NICU I was literally afraid to sleep. I was worried he would stop breathing and would stay up just watching him. Instead of treating me like a crazy person, Martin was understanding and talked me off the ledge on that one. I tend to be a higher strung person, a worry wart. Martin is the opposite, he is relaxed and can bring me down to a normal level with all his logic. Watching him become a father has been incredible. From the very beginning he has been hands on, changing diapers, getting up in the middle of the night, going to doctor appointments, all the nitty gritty bits of raising a child.  Going through what we have so far with the autism stuff has also shown me that he won't back down from a challenge. He'll kick ass and take names for his kids. And on the other side of that he is patient, loving and compassionate when dealing with them and their unique way of moving through the world. Literally every day the kids make him smile and he'll say "I just love them so much".  It makes me feel so lucky to have found him and be able to spend my life with my best friend.  I don't think good dads are talked about often enough or thanked as often as necessary. Besides my Dad and hubby, I know many men that are awesome fathers. What I'd like to say to all the Dad's doing their best and supporting their families is that the rest of us appreciate what you do and love you for it.  Have a happy Father's Day!

Adventures in potty training

First I want to thank my mother for teaching me how to successfully poop and pee in a toilet. I don't think many people stop and thank their mothers for this skill, that is until they have to actually teach another human being how to do it. Not just another human being, but a small one, one that was happy to poop while watching cartoons and have you wipe their ass. 
If you too are embarking on the potty training ride, I recommend a call to your Mom and thanking her first. At least you might have a little good karma to start with. Second, make sure to have a butt load of extra undies, pants, shorts and socks before starting. This is vital, so start working on that pile of laundry you've been neglecting. I myself did not do either of these things and can tell you I'm a dummy.
We are only on day 2 of potty training with E-man and out of underwear.  Here's the thing, I didn't plan this very well. E-man's school is also potty training him and I sent extra clothes to keep there and didn't leave enough for him at the house. I feel like I'm always catching up instead of getting ahead of the game lately. Potty training is just making it glaringly obvious. 
I texted my sister telling her about my potty woes and she just laughs. As a mother of four boys I'm sure she figures she has the right to laugh at a noob just figuring it out. Although she annoys me with her superior attitude she made me laugh hysterically (laughing so hard my hubby was giving me weird looks) with her personal potty training anecdotes. 
Sister:  "The one thing i hated was cutting them off of juice by a certain time of night . They always acted like they just got back from the Sahara."
And,
"Or the innocent face when u ask them, and they clearly smell like shit, 'did you wipe?'".
The thing about it is that even though it's tough it gives E-man and I a few minutes every half hour to connect.  You are literally forced to stop anything you are doing and sit with them and wait. So we read books and sing songs. Just before bed E-man was sitting on the toilet giggling and reached over to give me a kiss. In the midst of my frustration he broke through and reminded me what it's all about. His sweetness makes me grateful for the moment, my beautiful son and all of a sudden there is no where else I'd rather be than sitting on the bathroom floor, waiting for him to pee.

Kid Update

Since it is almost Mother's Day I thought I would discuss the accomplishments and gains that my offspring have made lately. 


E-man has been doing really well at school, his verbal imitation is slowly beginning to turn into spontaneous language. The words he says most often without prompting are "Mama" and "no". 
The other day during dinner he said
 "Mama?"
"What's up buddy?" I replied 
"Da."
"You're all done?"
"Ah da"
Addressing me and requesting something is HUGE for him. It was a really proud moment. Hearing his little voice brings me so much joy. I actually look forward to the day he's talking so much I just want him to stop! I give you permission to call me out on that one when I start complaining about it. 


He has finally grown out of his obsession with Backyardigans and now enjoys Yo Gabba Gabba, though not with as much zeal as he had for Backyardigans.  We have also been working on putting socks and shoes on by himself, brushing his teeth, and using a fork regularly. I catch myself doing things for him because I'm used to doing it all and I have to remind myself to let him learn how to do it too. The other day when we were brushing teeth I got all excited thinking he could try the sonicare tooth brush I use. Turning it on and hastily putting it to his lips I thought, this will be great! His teeth will never have cavities! As soon as it touched him he freaked and ran away. The rest of the morning he kept glancing at me and then would run for fear I'd try to use the medieval torture device on him again. 
What I should have done is just let him see the sonicare and touch it without turning it on. Gradually over several days letting him get used to it and eventually brush his teeth with it. 
So it's a learning process for everyone. 
Another big thing for E-man is preschool for the fall, we found one that works well with the program he is in. We went to go visit and everyone was really nice and didn't seem at all worried about the whole autism thing. 
I actually saw a kid I recognized from E-mans's school who looked like he was doing just fine. It made me feel
like this place would be the right fit. 


LB has been doing great with his therapy at the house. It took a little while for him to get used to me "dropping him off" in the front room with his teacher. Now he runs in and plays and interacts pretty well with them. His receptive language has been increasing. He understands outside, let's go, book, ba-ba, snack, and cookie. His eye contact and name recognition has improved quite a bit. He babbles a good amount and about half the time will try to repeat back parts of words. It's actually really interesting to see the differences in both boys. Where E-man has always had a slow but steady pace of skill acquisition, LB makes leaps and bounds then cools off for awhile. 

Both boys have had forward motion in their progress. There are still problem behaviors we are working on but I feel like the gains overshadow the downsides at this point. 
It's exciting to be scouting out preschools for E-man and watching LB blossom with the help of therapy. 
Sometimes it feels like I blink and 6 months have sped by, the kids growing and changing throughout. 
I think my best bet is to try to savor the small moments and cherish the memories.

ZZZZZZ

Before having children I had no idea what sleep deprivation was. I might have tried to convince you that I slept bad and really needed a nap, but I was just being dramatic.  Obviously having 2 kids and going through the whole newborn experience gave me a new perspective. We survived though and I'm glad I'm not waking up every 2 hours to nurse and change a diaper. What we are dealing with now is something called "night waking". It's a symptom of autism that many exhibit where the child has trouble going to sleep or staying asleep. The cause is not known, although there are some theories that there might be a disturbance in melatonin production. We have had mixture of both, E-man started waking up randomly a few months ago. It will be a couple weeks of waking up around 2 or 3 in the morning and being wired, usually taking another couple of hours to fall back to sleep. Then we will have a few weeks of fairly normal sleep with the occasional early bird wake up call. Now LB is starting to do the same thing, taking over an hour to fall asleep or waking in the middle of the night.  When the crazy sleep cycles coincide, I start to get a little crazy. For example, last night LB woke up from 1am-3am and then E-man was up bright and early at 5:45am.  Sometimes I wonder if I should go to bed when they do but I really enjoy the time I get to spend with Martin just hanging out.  It feels like a constant struggle with some new problem to figure out. There are days when I'm doing great and feel like I have a handle on it. Then there are days it feels like I'm just barely hanging on. What I'm realizing is that this is a marathon, not a race. I've got to keep my steady pace to keep it all going. So the plan for now it to keep moving, one foot in front of the other. I don't care how long it takes or how exhausted I am, I'm going to keep fighting.

Milestones

Today is my 30th birthday. The strange thing is that I'm excited to be turning 30, and there a a lot of reasons for the excitement.
A few months ago I was really down in the dumps about all the autism stuff with the boys and I had a conversation with Fiona, one of my BFF's who also happens to be my trainer. 
She gave me some great advice. Holding on to the pain and sadness was bad for me, poisoning my life. Her advice was to put it down and trust that God knew what he was doing with my life. As an example she explained its like in Lord of the Rings when Gollum keeps holding on to the ring and it ruins his life (I know this is a dorky example but since I'm a nerd it was quite effective). 
That advice really helped me to stop wallowing in the sad part of autism. I'm not saying that I don't allow myself to get upset, I just let it be a few moments instead of all day or all week. I started to feel so much better emotionally and mentally. 
However, I wasn't putting my 100% best into exercising and eating well. I'd put the work in for a few days only to sabotage it all in a weekend eating crap and being lazy. The lesson hadn't fully sunk in. Recently
I was talking to  Fiona, confessing that I wasn't working as hard as I should and she pointed out that even though mentally I felt better I hadn't really "put it down" because part of healing also means taking care of yourself. What a revelation!
I was not connecting the dots at all.
In order to make sure all aspects of my life are productive and happy I need to take care of myself first. 
The thoughts and feelings that were improving needed to turn into action in order to be fully effective.
Going into my 30's I feel hopeful.
I'm healthier than I've ever been in my life, I have goals for myself, my kids and my marriage. There is purpose to my path forward. 
I feel blessed that even when I stumble, I have a great support system and that I am proving to myself that I am strong and capable.
So bring it on 30's!!

Safety Dance

My husband and I are going on a vacation to Las Vegas soon (it's ok to be jealous) and I have been preparing and planning as usual for this trip. Both boys are going to be watched by my mother in law and sister in law plus a teenage niece. So part of my planning involves writing out our typical routine for bed time, nap, meals, just the usual stuff that goes on around here. In my instructions I wrote about "safety". Now these are two women who have raised 6 children between them so I know they can keep a kid alive and well fed. The difference here is keeping a child with autism safe. Kids with autism frequently walk (or run) away from their caregivers, typically to go inspect something they find interesting or just to run like a bat out of hell, because why not? Another layer to this problem is that if they get lost, they typically don't answer to their name and have a difficult time communicating (even more so when non-verbal) that they need help. 
Let me give you an example. Martin and I decided to take E-man and Little Buddy on a walk. We packed them in the stroller, put the dog on a leash and we were on our merry way. 
We came up behind a park by our house, both Martin and I were distracted by the dog because he managed to tangle himself up around the stroller. Meanwhile E-man vaulted himself out of the stroller and ran right into the street, in no less than 8 seconds. While we were distracted with the dog, he saw the park and not knowing that there was a curve in the sidewalk to get there he just went the most direct route he could see and went for it. Martin dropped the dog's leash and ran after E-man and caught him and thankfully there weren't any cars coming. You know that feeling when you've narrowly avoided getting in a huge car accident but the adrenaline is still pumping, your heart and chest actually hurt and all your muscles are tense? Yeah, that's how it felt when that happened. 
So if two of us are with him, are extremely aware and vigilant about keeping this boy safe, and things like this still happen, you can imagine that leaving them with other people is stressful. 
My "safety" section ended up being an entire page of information. I wrote about what to do if they take them to various places and what we do around the house like locking all doors (yeah we aren't trying to creep you out when you visit and we lock the door after you walk in), blocking the side of the house that has a gate to the outside, etc. 
While I was writing all this out I realized how much of my time and energy I take to think about protecting E-man and how this gives me great practice because I'll be doing the same things for LB. 
I've been accused of being paranoid for various things in my life, usually when it involves germs (can't help it I'm a nurse). However I've also been described that way when I started thinking something was amiss in E-man's development. When it turned out my suspicions were true I decided I need to trust myself on how to raise my kids. It can be hard to convey the anxiety and preparation it requires to take the kids anywhere, especially by myself because of the flight risk E-man can be. So what can you do to help if you are hanging with a family who has a kid with autism? If you are making plans it is always easier for us to hang out at our house and we can enjoy your company much better, and we are very grateful for accommodating us. If we are out at a social gathering, offering to run around with (basically follow) E-man, it can be a nice break. Friends and family have been really supportive and we've had many successful gatherings. 
It may take a little more work, but I'm determined to keep doing things I enjoy. So I have to let go a little and trust the people around me to take the reins when a break is needed.  It's definitely a work in progress but you know what? I'm still packing my bags for Vegas!

The Unknown

Little Buddy and I are nearing our last appointment with the Infant Start study at the MIND Institute. This is the study that does parent training for children at risk for autism. I feel like it was a positive experience for both of us and has helped LB increase his ability to use body language and verbal skills to communicate. When we first started I was hoping it would be some kind of magic bullet that would prevent him from developing full blown autism. That was probably naive of me, but honestly I was desperate. In hind sight I think it probably helped him not regress further, which by itself makes doing the study worth it. I am relieved to be done, driving a total of 2 hours and 40 minutes for a 1 hour appointment every Tuesday was beginning to take a toll. The timing of everything is actually working out well, he got his official diagnosis a few weeks ago, thus making him eligible for more therapy hours at home. The extra hours will start pretty much right after we are done with the Infant Start study. 
Having done this process once before with E-man makes this time around a little easier. We were completely expecting the diagnosis and were able to bounce back much faster than the first time. 
The most difficult challenge is the unknown. I suspect it's the same for all parents. Will they be happy? Will they be successful? Will they eventually be ok with out us? 
Right now there is an added layer of stress because of layoffs coming at my husband's job and uncertainty with my schedule for work due to some staff changes that were very unexpected. I know we will be fine, it's the not knowing that kills me. In any situation, the anticipation of a problem or change is excruciating for me. I've always been a planner, have had back up plans for potential problems that may arise in any given situation. 
I think this time in my life is really testing my ability to cope with the unforeseen. It's definitely most stressful regarding the kids. 
Will they be able to have conversations, make friends, poop in the dang toilet?! It's overwhelming at times and I get tired. I am hoping over time my ability to cope with the unknown grows. Until then, I'll be taking it day by day, week by week. 

Keep it up!

The past few weeks have been busy for us with the normal routine plus a stomach bug and the never ending cold mixed in. A few weeks ago
E-man's school gave us some homework to do with him and while this adds to the chaos I'm still glad to do it. It gives me a chance to see how E-man is doing and figure out how to use his strengths to provide more learning opportunities throughout the day.
The assignments include stuff like matching objects (2D and 3D), practicing making different vowel and consonant sounds, fine motor exercises, throwing a ball back and forth and my favorite, turning on music and dancing! 
To make sure that we are running the assignments correctly we video taped ourselves and sent it to his clinical supervisor at the school.
Along with that video we sent an additional video of regular play time where we were bouncing E-man on a big exercise ball and stopping and having him request more "bounces". It was actually really exciting because he was saying "buh" for more bounces and had eye contact while requesting it!
The response from the school was so great. They noted that we ran the drill perfectly and E-man did a great job following direction.
They were especially excited about the bouncy ball video, requesting that they have permission to show it at conferences! 
A huge gain for him has been putting his socks and shoes on by himself. I try to help him as little as possible and he's getting better and better. 
The fact that he's been saying mama with purpose towards me and often are my personal favorites of his recent gains. He's also been attempting to imitate the beginning part of the words I use when speaking with him.
The progress has been tremendous. There are still many things to work on, we need to be more vigilant about sitting down with him to do quieter tasks, which can be a challenge because he likes to be super active.
Making sure he is "checked in" when asking for items or when he is asked to do a task. His inclination is to look away while doing these things and not be fully present, so we are encouraging more eye contact during these activities.
Overall I feel like he's making great improvements, I'm so proud of him. It's incredible how much work it takes for him to do simple things most take for granted, even myself. I try to really appreciate and celebrate every accomplishment E-man makes because it's not just us and his teachers doing the work, he does too. It is truly inspiring.

Autism and Parenting

I think being a parent is like going through an obstacle course and just trying your best to make it to the end. The end being your child growing up to be self sufficient, well rounded, with common sense and compassion.
Being a parent with a special needs child is like going through that same obstacle course, but with a blind fold.
You are at the starting line with all the other parents, preparing yourself for the long journey. That's when the twist comes along. Figure out this course, use every sense you can rely on but your sight. Sounds daunting right?
Believe me, it is. 
You start fumbling around, trying to get your bearings. Determining the location of booby traps, getting through complex puzzles that come your way and realizing who you can really depend on. This road can not be travelled alone, you have to put your trust in others to help keep you going.
The blessing is that things start to become easier and hard won victories are celebrated.
What I've come to realize trekking through all this is that my boys will be ok, my husband and I will be ok. Everyone has a twist in their obstacle course. Big, small, now or later a twist comes out of the blue to knock you on your ass.
The important thing is that you get up and just keep going.
Our journey isn't worse than any others, it's just different. 

Personal Growth

I've been on a personal journey to get healthy for about a year and a half. Actually, let me back up. It really started about 3 years ago when I reconnected with an old friend from high school who ended up having a career in personal training. After a few months of catching up over the phone I expressed a desire to get healthy/lose weight, which of course I had said a million times before but never really meant it. 
She said four simple words that changed my life forever: "I can help you". 
This was the beginning to a conversation that has lasted for 3 years. I started out with a new eating plan and was quickly derailed by getting pregnant with Little Buddy. Of course I took that as an opportunity to eat what ever the hell I wanted and gain 40 lbs, not the best course of action obviously. 
Two weeks following the birth of LB, E-man was diagnosed with autism. 
It was very hard coping in this new reality with postpartum hormones running around, I was a wreck to say the least. A month went by and with gentle prodding from my friend we started our getting healthy campaign. I've since lost 60 lbs, have run a 5k and I am training for a 10k currently. 
I can't say it's been easy, I've had ups and downs and without the help and support of my long lost pal I wouldn't have kept it up. If you've ever watched Biggest Loser you'll be familiar with the idea that contestants go into it thinking "I want to look good, I want to be healthy for x, y, z" and it ends up being a very emotional, mental and spiritual journey. 
I've really had to look at myself and why I let myself get so overweight. 
The simple answer was that I stopped caring. A consistent thought in my head regarding my health was "whatever, I don't care" and then consume whatever I could get my hands on. Why did I stop caring?
I think there are many reasons, family turmoil, feeling too comfortable in my relationship with my boyfriend (now husband), not wanting to be seen and basically hiding behind the fat.  I have to say learning these hard truths have been so worth it thus far. The things I've discovered about myself and the strength I possess are revelations, which my friend saw in me all along. 
Recently with LB meeting criteria for autism combined with the holidays I had the old apathetic feelings creeping back. I only gave a half hearted attempt at eating well and exercising. I stewed in self pity and  lacked motivation to even clean the house properly. 
Realizing that I would undo all the hard work I had put into the last year and a half, my husband and I put together a plan to get our shit together for 2012. We created goals to work on and I joined an online group of parents with kids with autism that wanted to "decrapify" their lives as well.
Of course my trainer/best friend has helped pull me out of my slump and kicked my booty in the right direction.
All of these things combined have helped me get back on track and excited again to get to my goal weight. I think taking care of myself will help me be a better Mom, wife, sister, daughter and friend. 
The journey is still going, I'm still learning about myself and the weight loss/getting fit is actually just a bonus to the real prize- loving and accepting  myself.